[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Sex so good you see dead people.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Solving a traffic jam
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.