Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.