Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Florida be like…
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
What the hell happened here.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”