Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???