girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
A dad and his duck
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Krampus.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.