Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Camping tip: No.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?