I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss