[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.