I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”