opening a flower shop called women in stem
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?