If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
looks legit
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you