I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
LMAO
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?