“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The struggle is real.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new