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Monday Lisa
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.