How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I can’t stop watching this.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag