My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.