People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I triple waxed for this?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.