Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!