hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*