[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Beauty and the Beast
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂