Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*offers Batman cough drops*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Tier 3 meme
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.