Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.