Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
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had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Breaking news:
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.