Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.