*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
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My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Best seat on the street 😍
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.