You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.