Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution