It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
😲 WTF? 😆
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.