My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I have a black belt in leather
Can’t, holding a grudge
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Strangers have the best candy.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.