Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
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Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick