just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“No way.” -Jose
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720