I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person