Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
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ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Made something I’m not proud of
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.