Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
You Might Also Like
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
This took me a second..
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.