Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.