I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
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I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head