Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home