“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
when nothing goes right… go left
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂