Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
You Might Also Like
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The Backseat Boys
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.