Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb