If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Finally!
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My Plans 2020
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot