It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.