Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
tourist season
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE