Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.