Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I missed you with all my darts
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Beauty and the Beast