[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
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PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*