I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Teach your children to beatbox
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.