I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…