excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Oh deer
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal