The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals